“HEALED AND STILL HEALING: My journey with God and Anger”

Lately, I’ve found myself in the wrong state of mind, everything I was doing, saying or even thinking was full of anger. Just like that, I lost myself in an anger spiral. Things that I could’ve dealt with calmly, without any arguments, suddenly felt overwhelming – I was so full of anger that it lingered for days, and I ended up acting out because of it. Someone I really love told me one day “I am afraid to talk, to say something to you, because you are always mad. That scares me Medoue”.

                    I had no answer to that, I couldn’t say anything, I felt ashamed, lost and to be honest angry that I was angry all the time. So I took a step back on everything I was doing, because I needed to go to the source. It was hard, at first, even to acknowledge that I was like that. I had gone through something similar with a friend a few months earlier and had made progress, but somehow, six months later, I found myself in the same place.

I prayed, I fasted but again I didn’t feel any change. I was still full of anger. I was too quick to respond, to react, and to pour everything out instead of taking time to think first.  

So my next move was to talk and confess to one of my mentors. She listened with love but also with authority, and gave me clear instructions. I followed them and felt better but not okay.

I needed to make a decision. In my mind after praying, everything was supposed to be fine. I was supposed to be the perfect one with self-control. So, I kept asking myself “why am I still struggling with that?”

 I started wondering, “What am I doing after the prayers? The fasting? The deliverance? What am I doing to keep myself out of that place?”

The answer was: NOTHING. I was expecting a miracle- something to suddenly come through me and take the anger away. I wasn’t taking responsibilities for y reactions. It was as if everything just happened on its own.

So once again, I had to take a step back and see the bigger picture. And here a few things I’ve decided to do while continuing to pray against the spirit of anger:

1) I bought a little notebook and started a challenge with some reflection questions like: “what makes me feel calm and centered?” After answering, I include a prayer and a Bible verse to carry with me throughout the day.

2) During the day, whenever I hear something and feel the urge to react quickly, I paused and give myself a moment to breathe and think. And honestly, most of the time there’s nothing to be mad about—just something to understand, or a moment to put myself in the other person’s shoes.

3) If I start to feel anger rise, I recite a bible verse out loud. I also take a deep breath and remind myself of what I’m going through, what I’m working on, and where I want to be.

4) Sometimes I open my notebook and simply write down the things I think are making me angry.

I can honestly say one thing: I’m doing great right now. I prayed, and God gave me tools to do better and be better. I didn’t just pray and wait for a miracle to happen—I started taking action. I’ve decided to work on myself, for myself and most importantly, so I don’t lose the people I love the most because of something God has already delivered me from. Let me finish with this quote “WHEN YOU TAKE TIME TO BE CALM, THAT MEANS YOU ARE ACTUALLY TAKING THE TIME TO BE GOOD TO YOURSELF.” By Tabitha Brown or as you know her “Auntie Tab” And remember, it is one day at a time.