As I was sitting on my bed, crying all the tears I had, sliding a shaver on my wrist, I felt a soothing pain. For a few seconds, it felt comforting beacause the physical pain replaced the state of mental paralysis that I was in for a few weeks already, the agony of that open wound in my chest, the calamities of my shattered dreams, and the wailing of my soul that was so lost, engulfed in unbearable darkness. But although it felt good, it never felt right.
Later, I realized that with every cut came a price. With every cut came a scar, maybe not on my flesh, but in my heart, telling the story of how weak, helpless, and cowardly I was and of self-harm not being a form of art. It's crazy how the world lies to us and makes us believe that we can find real, long-lasting comfort in anything other than the Lord, that there's something out there that can make us feel better.
I fell for it, tried so many things, until I found myself sitting on my bed, crying all the tears I had, with a shaver in my hand, cutting myself to get a break from the mess that my life had become. I had hit rock bottom. I had to admit it. I knew that I had to turn my face to the only One that could heal me, the One with the double-edged Sword that can devide bones from narrow and revive me, mind, body, and soul.
I used my last breath to call on Lord, He answered. I asked Him for help, He provided.
Took me under His wings and processed to put back the broken pieces of my life.
The healing happened, but it didn't happen in a day. Healing is not a quick linear process. It takes time, dedication, and intentionality.
If you're reading this and you are going through a season where self-harm, endless drinking, partying, smoking and so many things of the sort seem to be your only solace, I'm here to tell you that it won't last. If you ever find yourself sitting on your bed, feeling lost and broken, hanging on for dear life, call on the mighty name of Jesus. He will come sit right next to you, He will dry your tears, and He will redeem you and make all things new.
The other day, I was explaining to somebody that I used to drink a lot before, and she refused to believe me because I couldn't even finish a Piña colada. I looked like such an innocent. It's was not the first time this had happened. People don't usually believe my testimony. This time, I took a moment to try to understand why that was, and when I finally did, it made me so happy because, once again, the Bible proved to be true.
God keeps His promises, and He means what He says. Paul said:" Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new" (2 Corinthians 5:15). This means that the past is really the past, and I no longer look like mine. I'm free indeed from my old sins, my old self, her struggles, her traumas, and her shortcomings.
When you come to Jesus, He really makes everything new, He washes you and makes you white as snow, takes your sins so far away from you; as far as the orient is from the occident. He truly sees you as He sees Jesus, spotless. Now that I know that you'd never believe it if I told you where Jesus took me, call me "righteous and Saint" in Jesus' name, Amen!
Lucaïna Jocelyn
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